


Christmas 1834

by flung0ut0fspace



Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Based on the diaries, Domestic Ann(e)s, Domestic Fluff, Ex Drama, F/F, Lesbian Drama, Married Ann(e)s, but tender smut, domestic angst, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-13 06:44:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19245931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flung0ut0fspace/pseuds/flung0ut0fspace
Summary: An unexpected holiday invitation from Mariana Lawton puts Anne Lister and Ann Walker's new marriage to its first true test. Based on actual events from the diaries. (Multi-chapter).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! So, this fic is my take on an event that I actually think is very likely to be included in season 2 depending on the timeline they decide to use. 
> 
> What we know from the diaries:  
> Mariana Lawton invited Anne Lister to spend Christmas with her in 1834. Anne took her up on this offer much to the anxiety of Ann Walker but in the good faith hope of once and for all clarifying her relationship and setting boundaries with Mariana. Naturally, drama ensued, and Anne cut the visit short, returning in the middle of the night to a deeply relieved wife and more steadfast in her commitment to Ann than she had ever been. General consensus from the diary and the analysis thereof is that the sex they had that night upon Anne's return was the most loving and intimate they ever had.
> 
> So, here's chapter 1 of my version of this story, adapted in the style of the series. Please enjoy!

December had settled in around Shibden Hall overnight it seemed. It was almost one week until Christmas, and Anne Lister awoke to see a thin layer of white on the grounds outside her window, a light snow pleasantly falling. The sight of it put her oddly at ease, particularly when taken together with the sight of her wife Ann Walker soundly asleep beside her. She watched the younger woman’s delicate chest lift and fall in contented sleep. Anne smiled to herself, suddenly aware that her life was really quite perfect in this moment.

She lay back down, bringing the bedding toward herself and Ann to make sure they were covered against the cold nipping through the time-worn windows. Ann, in her sleep, responded to her wife’s movements and turned toward her, burrowing against Anne and allowing her to envelop and hold her close. 

Anne kissed the top of her head, which seemed to rouse her slightly. 

“It’s snowing,” Anne said softly as she passed her fingers through Ann’s long golden hair.

Ann muttered a sound of pleasant acknowledgment against Anne’s chest. Anne began to turn away to reach for her watch on the nightstand. Without even lifting her head or opening her eyes, Ann Walker reach out a hand to grab Anne’s arm and bring it back around her.

“Not yet,” she said. Anne let out a small laugh at her wife’s persistent irritation with her time-checking habit. Indeed she had truly come to regard the watch as a mortal nemesis and her chief competition for Anne’s attentions. She was happy for Ann to win this round.

Ann lifted her head up to finally look at her wife, dozily opening her eyes only enough to confirm where her lips were before leaning up for a kiss, which Anne happily obliged. Her morning kiss now granted, Ann seemed capable of more fully waking up. She turned to look out the window and smiled quietly just as Anne had at the sight of the snowfall. 

“About time it looked like Christmas,” Ann remarked as she turned over to face away from Anne and toward the window more completely. Anne adapted and pulled the smaller woman to her, taking the opportunity to pull the covers even more fully around them and burrow closer together.

Their closeness now generating the desired warmth, their night shifts catching on the other’s, and the contact of their skin as they wove their legs together, Anne allowed the easy magic of the morning to make its way between them, kissing the back of Ann’s neck and down her shoulder. 

Ann turned her head just enough that Anne might kiss her again. They smiled against each other’s lips as Anne’s hand wandered below, pulling up Ann’s shift and finding its place between her legs. 

It was among their favorite ways to make love, like this. Easy, unspoken desire and the simple understanding of how much pleasure they brought each other. Ann gyrated her hips back against Anne’s gently thrusting pelvis, Anne’s fingers almost lackadaisically working in tandem with the friction of Ann’s legs. When they were together like this, it wasn’t about finishing, it was about enjoying the act of touching each other. 

Anne brought her other arm around Ann, her hand moving beneath the collar of her shift and gently massaging her breast, long fingers gently teasing at the nipple. The sensations began to overwhelm Ann, much to Anne’s delight, and it was not long before Ann felt herself approaching the edge. She reached an arm behind their synchronized bodies to pull Anne closer to her still, holding them together to move as one being. 

Anne buried her face in Ann’s neck, kissing and breathing into her hair and delicate skin, watching her eyes roll back in ecstasy, her favorite sight to behold. And then, Ann’s entire body began to shudder along Anne’s, from tip to toe, Anne feeling every tremor of it as her wife’s grip loosened everywhere. 

Now feeling boneless, Ann rolled toward Anne to be on her back, looking up at her wife with a dumb, satisfied smile that Anne met with a laugh and deep kiss as she wiped her fingers on the bed sheet. 

They adjusted themselves to finally face each other. Ann moved a tendril of dark hair out of Anne’s eyes. 

“What do you think, shall we spend the day here?” Anne asked in a quiet joke. A wide smile bloomed over Ann’s face. 

“It’ll be warmer, that’s for certain.”

They laughed. And just at that moment, the spell broke as they heard the shuffling of servants in the hall outside. They all knew better than to wake their mistress and Miss Walker without instruction, but their day had begun and the sound of their work signaled that perhaps Ann and Anne’s should too.

Wordlessly, they both acknowledged this unfortunate truth and sighed, almost at the same time, which sent them both into light laughter. 

“Reality calls,” Anne stated resignedly. Ann nodded in valiant defeat and reached over her wife to the nightstand, returning with the surrendering offer of the pocket watch.

—————

The Lister clan and Ann sat around the table wrapped in shawls and blankets, taking in stride the annual reminder of how thin the old house’s walls were against the winter.  
Aunt Anne and Jeremy shared pages of the newspaper while the younger generation of ladies read their correspondences, breakfasting on hot tea and warm toast. 

“Mm!” Anne uttered as she took a bite during her reading. Ann looked up at her expectantly. “Vere’s pregnant again.” 

“Oh how lovely,” Ann replied. “We’ll have to send a gift. Perhaps in the new year when we’re next in York.”

“Yes, very good idea,” Anne happily concurred with a smile.  
She set Vere’s letter aside and returned to the small pile still waiting beside her teacup. She stopped only slightly as she reached for the next piece of mail. By the handwriting, she could see that it was from Mariana. 

The pair had kept in correspondence but it had been markedly more rare since Ann Walker had moved in. Mariana’s writing had continued with a level of familiarity that Anne wasn’t quite sure what to do with as a married woman of propriety. And so she had begun to pull away from their friendship, particularly after the disaster of their visit earlier that year, before she had reunited with Ann.

She opened the letter, choosing not to work herself up before even knowing its contents. Though her resilience was short-lived as her eyes passed over the words. 

Ann, who had taken a break from her letters to fix a new piece of toast and marmalade, noticed Anne’s face fall and her brow furrow as she read. 

“Who is that from?” she asked blithely. Anne did not respond until she had finished reading. 

“From Mrs. Lawton.” Ann tensed slightly at the mention of the name, particularly given the grave tone with which it was spoken. Marian glanced up from her plate, also keenly aware of the source of tension at hand. 

“What does she want?” Ann inquired further, her tone notably wary if not icy.

“She wants me to pay a call. She wants me to visit with her at Lawton Hall at Christmas.”

“Spend Christmas with her?” Ann asked, doing nothing to hide how astonishing and bold she found the offer to be. 

“That’s what she’s asked. Of course I won’t spend the holiday anywhere but here at home,” Anne clarified. Ann relaxed, but then — “I’ll tell her it can only be the two nights prior. Monday and Tuesday, back on Wednesday in time for Christmas Eve.”

Anne assumed this would satisfy Ann’s anxiety, but when she looked up and saw the nearly tearful look of worry on her wife’s face, she realized how wrong she was, and was quick to explain. 

“It’s only a brief visit. I haven’t seen her in many months. She just wants to catch up with an old friend at the holiday, that’s all.”

Ann was obviously dissatisfied with this answer. 

“I’m not feeling very well. I think I might retire to the bedroom for an hour.” 

Ann stood and brusquely made her way out of the dining room and back down the hall toward their bedroom. Anne sighed, frustrated. Marian and the rest simply sipped their tea and looked elsewhere. 

Anne stood to follow.

—————

She arrived at the bedroom and closed the door behind her, leaving her alone with her wife who paced along the window in tears. 

“You’re really going to spend our first Christmas together with _her_?” Ann asked, stunned and desperate. 

“I told you I’m not spending Christmas with her. I would never. Only the two nights prior. I’ll write back straight away to explain.”

“Yes, do, and please be sure to also explain that you have taken the sacrament and solemnized your union with _me_. That you reside as mistress of Shibden with _me_ beside you now and for the rest of our lives.” Ann’s voice shook with righteous and justified anger. 

Anne walked toward her and took her face in her hands, wiping away ragged tears. 

“Ann…you needn’t fear me. You are my wife. My partner in all things. This is the life I’ve wanted. Do you honestly think I would do anything to put that at risk? After all we’ve given to be here?”

Ann did not respond, but she was visibly calming. 

“Why do you want to go? Why are you even considering it?”

“Because…” She wasn’t quite sure how to enter the subject without risking Ann’s anxiety even further. She sat them both down on the bed together to settle the scene.

“I’ve known Mariana for 20 years. She’s been…a person of great significance in my life. And even though our connection will never again be what it was—nor would I wish it to be—I still would like to find a place for her in this new life. And I believe I owe it to our 20 years to see her, and to work out with her what that place must be. So that you may never feel a moment of worry on the matter ever again.”

Ann considered her wife’s words.

“I’ll come with you.”

Anne sighed, frustrated that her answer was not entirely enough. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Why?”

“She doesn’t know you. She only knows _of_ you. I wouldn’t want to put you in a position to experience any unkindness.”

“If you fear she would be unkind to me then why is that not enough answer for you? Surely that is sufficient to understand why you’re well rid of her.”

“I’m sorry, Ann. It isn’t that simple.”

Ann shook her head and looked away. Anne, concerned that none of her words were reassuring her, took Ann’s hand and brought it to her lips, kissing the onyx ring she had placed there not even one year ago. 

“Ann. Look at me,” she said gently. “You are my happiness. Our life, this life that we are building together. It’s what I’ve dreamed of since long before I ever knew her…”

“This life could have been hers. It was hers to refuse first.”

“Yes. And she did. And every morning that I wake up beside you I thank heaven for it.”

At last, Ann softened.

“Really?”

“Of course. You needn’t ever ask.”

Anne brought her hand to Ann’s face and caressed her cheek as she had done so many countless times in moments of doubt such as this. Ann was successfully soothed by it, and tilted her chin out to beckon for a kiss, which Anne lovingly gave. 

However, as they pulled apart, Anne could see there was still a cloud behind Ann’s eyes, but she knew better than to press the matter further. It would only be three days before she left for the visit. In the darkest reaches of her mind, Anne could only hope that that would not be long enough to push her wife’s doubts to a place they had both determined they would never return to. She had to hear Marianna out, this she knew. But in her heart of hearts she feared what it might cost her marriage.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne leaves for Lawton Hall on less than solid ground with Ann, unable to calm her anxiety over what the visit might mean for their marriage. When Anne arrives in Cheshire, it becomes clear that drawing lines with Mariana will be anything but simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2! Drama, angst, a bit of heartache, Ann on the brink. But fear not, our Anne will soon get the clarity she needs. 
> 
> Thanks to all for the fantastic feedback so far! A pleasure sharing this story with y'all!

Darkness had all but gathered outside as a cold wind rattled the bones of Shibden Hall. Inside by the fire, Ann Walker sat alone, wrapped in a blanket, staring into the flames, despondent. Her eyes were heavy as hours-old tears dried on her cheeks. 

Her stillness was disturbed by the sound of footsteps from down the hall. She did not look up to see who they belonged to, knowing the answer as Anne Lister came to sit in the chair beside her. The wives sat in pregnant silence together.

“Are you packed?” Ann asked quietly.

“Mm.”

“What time are you setting off tomorrow?”

“After breakfast. The hope is to be in Cheshire by supper.”

Ann simply nodded. 

“Will Dr. Belcombe be there?”

“She didn’t mention, but, it’s certainly possible.”

“And you don’t think he would like to visit with me as well? If I accompanied you?”

Anne sighed, exhausted by this conversation yet again.

“It isn’t that sort of call, Ann. You know that.”

“No. It isn’t.”

Ann’s tone had a bite in it, a woundedness, that Anne felt helpless to try and mitigate at this moment. She simply needed to get through the next few days and then the time would come for her and Ann to more happily understand each other again. For now, she felt there was no getting through to her. It was too much to make her understand, and Anne didn’t blame her for this. All Anne could do was try and keep her from a spiral of doubt such as that which sent her to Scotland.

“Will her husband be there?”

“I believe so,” Anne lied. Mariana had clearly stated in their letters that Charles would be in London visiting with cousins for the entire holiday week. He had left an open invitation for Mariana to join him after Anne’s visit, which Anne encouraged her to do upon writing to say she would not spend Christmas Eve with her.

“What if there’s a storm? What if you’re delayed and have to stay longer?”

The questions were coming from the most nervous parts of her mind. Anne knew better than to dismiss her fears, but could only do her best to soothe them.

“I’m bringing my thermometer, but…I don’t see any reason to expect bad weather.”

“Doesn’t mean that bad weather won’t happen.”

“Well, yes, there are any number of things that could happen and won’t. Please, try not to work yourself into a state. You’ve nothing to worry about.” Anne did her best to temper her tone with love, removing any trace of condescension, even though every part of her just wanted to make Ann see the situation as she did. 

A new silence fell over them both.

“You know I can’t sleep without you.”

“Ann, please. It’s two nights away. I’ll be back at your side before you’ve even thought to miss me.”

Ann finally relented, allowing them to ease into silence rather than feel threatened by it. 

“Have I ever told you,” Ann began quietly, “about the first time I ever saw you?”

She looked over at Anne, who smiled gently and shook her head. Anne recalled their meeting when Ann was 19, but she knew Ann’s feelings had begun to develop some years earlier. Of this they had never spoken. 

“I was fourteen. Visiting my Aunt at Cliff Hill with Elizabeth. Early one morning she and I went for a walk. And as we made our way we saw your father’s carriage coming up the road from Halifax, on his way to Shibden. Even from where we stood we could hear shouting. And suddenly the carriage stopped. Elizabeth and I hid ourselves. And you burst out onto the road and stormed off toward the hill. And I remember you wore your hair down in a ribbon, a bright blue shirt and gray waistcoat. Trousers and boots. You…erupted, suddenly, into my life. I’d heard of you, of odd Anne from old Shibden. But then I saw you, young as I was, and I thought…I thought you were so magnificent. Beautiful. Handsome. All fire and bravado. I have no idea what you and your father were fighting about but it couldn’t have been half past six in the morning. Seemed he was dragging you home from somewhere. Elizabeth laughed, and she teased at how odd the scene was, how odd she thought you were, and I went along at the moment, but…I knew then. And whenever I thought about husbands, kissing, any of it…your face was there. Always.”

Both women were close to tears at the retelling. 

“Ann, I…”

“I understand. I can be dull. I can be…tiresome. But I do love you. Whatever you decide, that will never change.”

Anne’s mood grew dark. 

“Whatever I decide?”

“She understands you in ways I never will. I’ve always known I’m not good enough for you. I never have been. How could I ever be? I knew from that first day. Even then I couldn’t dare to hope for what’s happened. I think I always knew eventually you would get fed up of me.”

Anne struggled to locate her mood, torn between sympathy, annoyance, anger, despair.

“I thought we were past all this, Ann. I am committed to you. Nothing Mariana could say or do is going to change that.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.” Anne’s tone was growing more stern by the second. “I do know that. Do you know why? Because she is not here. And you are. If you believe me so content with her, so much happier with her, then why am I here? Why are you?”

“I’ve made you cross,” Ann tumbled even further toward despair. 

“Perhaps I am cross. You are my wife. I took the sacrament with you. You wear my ring and I wear yours. You really think me so inconstant that two days in Cheshire will drive me from my promise?”

“I’m sorry. I…I’m just frightened,” Ann pleaded, bursting into tears. At first Anne found herself annoyed, sighing and throwing up her hands. But soon enough she found herself sinking to her knees to be at her wife’s eye line. She placed a hand beneath her chin and beckoned the younger woman to look at her. 

“I’m sorry. I’m not cross, I…Ann, I told you. There is nothing to fear. I am going to…settle a score. Nothing more.”

“Why can’t I come with you?”

Anne sighed at the question again. 

“Because I need…clarity. And privacy. You know as well as any that what Mariana and I need to discuss cannot be done in the company of anyone else.”

“Not even me?”

“Especially not you.”

Anne was out of explanations. It simply had to be this way. She needed to see Mariana for herself, by herself, and give them both permission to reckon with their full emotions. It was a relationship understood by none other than the two people inside of it, and whatever conversation was to be had over the next two days, it needed to exist only and entirely on their terms.

That night, Ann and Anne slept as soundly as they could. Despite the doubt and tension between them, Ann held fast to Anne through the entire night, as though even in sleep she was determined not to let her go.

———————

The next morning, Anne stood in the drawing room in her coat and hat, bidding goodbye to her clan before setting off for Lawton Hall. 

“Give our best to Mrs. Lawton,” Aunt Anne requested as Anne leaned down to embrace her in her comfortable chair. 

“And remember, I’m only gone until Wednesday. Try not to get yourself in too much trouble until then,” she offered her Aunt with a loving wink and smile.

“You’ve got the thermometer?” Jeremy asked next. 

“In the carriage already. But I anticipate a mild journey to and fro,” Anne replied quickly.  
“Do give my regards to the Lawtons. And Dr. Belcombe if you see him,” Marian offered. Anne gave her a quick sisterly peck on the cheek in response.

The only resident left to part with stood quietly at the mouth of the hallway that would lead Anne out of the house and toward her past. In the shadow of the hall and out of the direct view of the family’s eyes, though still not private, Anne and Ann stood opposite one another.

Anne took her wife’s hands in hers. She could see that Ann’s mood was where it had been last night, all fear and hopelessness. But she had neither the time nor words to calm her now. 

“Be safe,” Ann offered in truce, knowing there was nothing more to be negotiated.

“I will.”

Ann nodded and smiled. Anne pulled her close in embrace, allowing Ann to let the tears that had been threatening her all morning finally fall.

“Come back. I don’t care what happens, just…promise you’ll come back to me,” Ann pleaded into Anne’s shoulder.

Still holding her, Anne tried one last time to ease her fear. “Nothing will happ…”

“I don’t care. Promise me you’ll come back.”

“I promise.” 

She held Ann tighter and kissed into her neck. Stepping back, she noticed Ann still wore the gondola pin. She ran her thumb over it to remind them both of its meaning. Ann smiled weakly.

Anne looked in either direction before leaning down to give Ann a reassuring, if chaste, goodbye kiss.

She walked away from her wife, out the back door, and into the carriage where Thomas Beach sat ready to bring her on the hours journey south toward whatever strange fate awaited her for the next two days.

———————

Anne arrived at Lawton Hall just before sundown. The snow had been largely cleared from their path but it had made for slower going at times.

The grand house looked beautiful this time of year. As Anne stepped out of the carriage she marveled at its splendor, the snow-kissed roofs and dangling icicles. The tastefully placed wreaths, lit candles in the windows. A proper holiday estate.

As Thomas offloaded her traveling case, Anne lent Eugenie a hand as she stepped out of the carriage. Thankfully this time, she kept the contents of her stomach within her. 

Anne made swiftly for the door, but before she could ring the bell, it opened, revealing the Lawtons’ groom, George.

“Miss Lister,” he greeted with a slight bow. 

“Hello George,” she said with a brusque pat on his shoulder. She handed him her winter hat and cane as he stepped aside to let her in. Her servants followed. She turned to Thomas who struggled with her trunk.

“You’ll want to bring that to the teal room. Third on the left at the head of the stairs.”

Thomas went, Eugenie followed. Anne turned to George in expectation.

“Mrs. Lawton is awaiting you in the library, ma’am.”

“Very good. Have some tea sent if she hasn’t already, and some for my servants. They’ve had a long, cold journey.”

“Yes, ma’am.” George nodded and set about his tasks.

Anne found herself looking into a mirror above the sideboard in the grand entryway. She contemplated herself. She had seen Mariana recently enough, but it had been over a year since visiting this household. Anne wondered if marriage, and the tumultuous months that had preceded it, had aged her at all. She thought on how Mariana had contributed to that tumult, how she, Anne, had permitted her to do so. What would she permit this time? How were they to find the balance of friendship after all that had passed between them? How would she manage to divorce herself from the ease of knowing that Mariana was always there, even though she never truly would be or had been. Not really. It would be the first time in 20 years that Anne was to enter a private room with Mariana and be unsure whether or not she would accept a kiss.

———————

It didn’t take long for her to learn the answer. She opened the door to the library and found Mariana watching out the window, as if spying to see if she had arrived. She jumped, turning at the sound of Anne entering.

Mariana was first struck by the sight of Anne. She wore a white shirt but this time with a dark red waistcoat.

“You’re not wearing all black,” she remarked.

“No. I’ve decided my mourning is over.”

Mariana knew it was wrong to feel threatened or sad at the news, but nevertheless the sight made her anxious. She did her best to deny the feeling. 

“Well, good. It’s been 17 years.”

“Nearly 18.”

Mariana crossed the room toward her. Before Anne could protest, Mariana took her face and brought it in for a kiss. It wasn’t exactly passionate, just deeply familiar. Anne did not resist nor did she encourage. It simply happened, as much a muscle memory for her as it was for Mariana.

They parted, and Anne took Mariana by the arms to prevent them from getting any closer. 

“I’ve missed you,” Mariana crooned. Anne stepped away and toward the bright yellow sofa in the center of the room.

“It’s good to see you. Happy Christmas,” she offered in return. Mariana sensed her coldness. 

“I’ve sent for some tea.” Anne pressed on to more mild subjects.

“Oh. Yes, very good,” Mariana acknowledged, trying to sense her way through the tension.

“Charles is in London?” Anne asked. She was the picture of friendly decorum. Perhaps even a bit stuffy. She ignored how obviously her attempt at disguise was failing to get past Mariana and her 20 years of knowing her character.

“He is. I’ve told him I’d join him Christmas Day.”

“And Steph?”

“He’ll be in tomorrow night and joining me in London.”

“Oh, lovely. I should like to see him.”

“You see him often, don’t you?” Mariana inquired.

“Every other month at most. You know he and I have a friendship.”

“Have you not sent your little friend Miss Walker to him in the past?”

Anne tensed at the patronizing nickname but moved past it.

“I have. He is a friend to us both.”A long silence passed between them, Anne forcing Mariana to summon the courage to ask the question rather than for her to volunteer the information.

“So you and she…” she began. At that moment, however, George knocked on the door.

“Tea for you ma’am.”

Mariana sighed and went to let him in. He placed the setting on the table beside Anne and took his exit. Anne silently poured them each a cup as Mariana recalibrated. 

“So she’s living with you now, is she?” Mariana asked bluntly. Anne didn’t flinch.

“Yes, she is.”

“And you’ve got a gold ring on your left hand.”

Anne looked down at the thin gold band and clenched her fist almost instinctively.

“So I do.”

Mariana donned a curt smile. 

“Let’s not play games, Fred.”

“You do realize you have absolutely no right to be upset,” Anne clarified for her, bitter.

“Don’t I? Or have you forgotten? You and I…23, fools in love, committing to each other now and for always.”

“And two years later you married Charles.”

“It still meant something, Fred. It’s always still meant something. We made it work for us. We both knew there was no other way to carry on. It was always the plan.”

“Perhaps your plan, never mine.”

“And yet here we are. Alone together again in this big house. You chose to come here. And you’ll come to my bed tonight. It’s our nature, Fred. It’s who we are to each other. Marriage never stood in the way of that.”

“Nothing is as it was, Mary. This is what I’ve come here to make you understand. We must find a new means of friendship. Of understanding each other, being close with each other.”

“Oh so now you’re the dutiful Christian husband, is that it?” Mariana scoffed. Anne remained still.

“I’ve made a commitment before God. We took the sacrament together. She lives with me as my wife and will take no husband. So yes, I will honor my vows because I took them honestly. That is what I wanted. Not whatever version of a life you endlessly and tediously propose for the sake of your own security.”

“And you’re to tell me security has nothing to do with you and Miss Walker? She could buy and sell your pits twice over. How convenient she’s pretty too.”

“You know nothing about it.”

“Yes I do, Fred. That’s what terrifies you. I see you. I have always seen you.”

“And what do you see? Hm? Tell me, Mariana.” Anne looked up at her with bitter tears in her eyes. Mariana sat beside her, Anne permitting her to be close. Mariana took Anne’s hands in hers in her lap. 

“I see a woman who’s tired of running. You’ve found a girl who cares for you and will commit to you and provide for you in all the ways you’ve dreamt of, but without ever truly considering how you feel about her. Because perhaps you’re scared to know that deep down, your heart will never entirely belong to her. Just as mine never will to Charles. You know that.”

Anne couldn’t help but be affected by the words, even as she turned away from Mariana’s penetrating gaze. 

“It isn’t that simple.”

“No, it isn’t. Nothing for us ever has been.” Mariana let out a sad laugh. Anne couldn’t help but match it.

Feeling safe and successful in her convincing, Mariana leaned forward to kiss Anne. Anne looked to her and they searched each other’s eyes. They were eyes Anne had gazed into lovingly so many times before, but tonight, all she could feel was the keen awareness of what they lacked. Of whose eyes they were not. Despite every other instinct in her body wanting to act, a more powerful force told her not to. 

Anne kissed Mariana on the forehead. Mariana tried to respond at the lips but Anne pulled away.

“Fred…”

“I’m sorry, Mary. I…it can’t be like that between us anymore.”

Mariana sighed, frustrated, and sat back and away from Anne.

Just then, another knock at the library door. It was George again. 

“Ma’am, supper is ready in the dining room.”

Mariana nodded and shooed him. The pair of women sat in rotten silence a few moments longer before Anne stood, eager to move on from the scene and into more pleasant and manageable territory such as dinner.

She moved toward the door, anticipating Mariana, who finally stood, seeming almost exhausted, and trudged out of the library and down the hall without another word to Anne. Given that the visit had only just begun, Anne could hardly imagine what storms awaited to be weathered the next day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steph arrives. Ann gets some reassurance. Anne makes a decision.

Anne Lister awoke alone for the first time since April. It was an odd sensation, the stark absence of Ann’s warm body beside her, who at this hour could usually be counted upon to turn over and curl against her, hoping to to catch a few more minutes of sleep.

She had made it plain to Mariana that they would be sleeping in separate beds. Dinner was mild enough, if icily quiet. Anne made excuses to turn in early, tired from the day and the evening’s conflict. She needed a good night’s sleep and a clear head waking up to face Mariana again.

If she thought she might have time to gather herself, she was sorely mistaken. A light knock sounded on the bedroom door before it opened and Mariana, still in her night shift, hair down, padded into the room. She stood at the foot of Anne’s bed and leaned against the corner post.

“Morning, Fred,” she offered calmly. It seemed she came in peace.

“Good morning.”

“Have you just woken?” Mariana asked as she began crawling onto the bed. Anne allowed it as it didn't appear to come with any agenda, simply the familiar closeness they took for granted. She came and lay beside Anne and leaned upon her elbow.

“I have. You seem quite alert," Anne remarked.

“I had a fitful sleep. Not used to you being in my house and so far away from my bed.”

“Mariana…,” she began.

“I don’t mean that to…I understand, Freddie. I do.”

“Really?”

“You want stability. You want a life partner. Someone who can be there for you in the evenings. You’ve every right to want that.”

“Right. Thank you.” Anne’s tone was still gruff.

“Why are you cross about that? I’m telling you what you want to hear.” Mariana was offended that her truce was not lovingly embraced. Anne was visibly put off by the predictable change in tone as a result. Mariana pressed on.

“You know I am trying. I just think…there’s more to discuss. More options to consider. I know you, Fred. I’ve never been your only lover. You’re not built for that. I can’t imagine fragile little Miss Walker knows anything of that, does she?”

“She understands that I…I’ve lived a life. And she’s not threatened by it.”

“That she shows you.”

“So I take it when you say ‘other options’ you mean carrying on with you?”

“Why not? It can be easy now. You’ve got your wife. I’ve got my husband. We have nothing left to ask of each other. Isn’t that what’s kept us at odds all this time?”

Anne looked to her, conflicted by the truth in her words. The glance offered just enough a glimmer of hope that Mariana grew bold.

“Don’t tell me you’ve gone off me. We both know you’re not that good a liar,” she said teasingly, reaching a hand to touch Anne’s stomach and leaning in to nip at her ear. Anne pulled her head away sharply.

“Mary, I told you. You made your choices, I’ve made mine. We’re adults.”

Mariana was offended by the remark. Anne was unfazed. Mariana slid off the bed and stood beside it. Anne did not look at her.

“You’re kidding yourself. And you know it.” Mariana’s voice was a venomous bite. She strode to the door and out, shutting it firm behind her.

Anne sat swimming in her thoughts a few minutes longer, lying back on the pillow and staring at the ceiling. She glanced out the window to notice a new snow beginning to fall over the freshly melted ground. She thought of Ann’s warning of a storm but dismissed it, unwilling to let her mind travel to those anxious places. Instead, she sat up and began to prepare for breakfast.

—————

A while later, en route to the dining room, Anne was curious to hear the sound of a male voice accompanying Mariana’s. It was half past ten, so not entirely bizarre for a guest to already be calling, but she was ill prepared for a surprise. Her curiosity, however, was quickly answered.

“Steph!” she exclaimed upon entering the dining room. Dr. Belcombe smiled wide and stood to greet her.

“Miss Lister, wonderful to see you,” he announced happily, shaking her hand in greeting. Mariana sat in her place, smiling a bit less than the other two. 

“You’re early,” Anne pointed out.

“I am. Decided not to dawdle in order to capitalize on the time here, especially when I knew you were a guest. We stopped last night but set out again at dawn to be here in time for breakfast.”

“How long has it been? A month? Two?”

“End of summer, I believe.”

“Surely not that long,” Anne said, disbelieving.

“Well, you’re to be trusted to have it right, so, whatever you say it was, it was.” Anne laughed a little in appreciation of Steph’s gentle teasing.

Mariana decided it was time to chime in. 

“So Steph, as we were discussing, you’ve met the mysterious Miss Walker. What’s your opinion of her?”

Steph was a bit taken aback by Mariana’s wry tone. He looked to Anne with a question in his eyes which Anne only answered with a stern look.

“Well,” he began, shuffling. “Socially I’ve only paid a few calls with her, but she is quite excellent company.”

Anne and Steph both smiled to each other in agreement of his assessment.

“Really.” Mariana’s tone was incredulous. 

“Oh yes. She’s had me in stitches on more than one occasion, Miss Lister can vouch for it.”

Anne laughed a little at the fond memory. The day she and Ann got married, they had put off all social calls that afternoon except for supper with Steph. They were proud and happy for him to be the first to witness the start of their new life, even if the nature of the celebration wasn’t explicitly known to him. He had been so important to their beginnings and to the continued support of Ann’s mental health, it felt only right to see him. 

“Yes, I find her generally to be a…bright, charismatic young woman. You’d like her very much, Mary.”

Steph could hardly have chosen a more wrong thing to say. Mariana simply huffed. Anne could barely tolerate it, and felt no need to mince words about it.

“Oh, Mariana, there’s no need for such attitudes. Surely you trust your brother’s judge of character. Even if you won’t trust mine.”

Steph could sense the tension between them, not that they were doing much to disguise it. He thought it best to let the situation cool and instead sipped his tea as Anne and Mariana quietly seethed.

—————

Later that afternoon, Steph, Mariana, and Anne were gathered in the sitting room. Anne was about to beat Mariana at backgammon, a nice change from the endless losing streak against her wife.

“A-ha!” she exclaimed. Mariana huffed teasingly. Steph looked up from his reading.

“You cheated,” Mariana whined playfully.

“You make it too easy to win.”

“Ugh. Nevermind.”

Anne stood up from her place and looked outside. The snow was still lightly falling, and the thin layer forming gave the impressive grounds an almost magical quality.

“I think I’m going to go for a walk,” she declared. Mariana’s face contorted in surprise and disapproval. 

“In this cold? Anne, it’s snowing,” she balked.

“It’s beautiful. Feels fantastical, don’t you think, Steph?”

“If that’s an invitation I’d be happy to accompany you,” he replied pleasantly.

“You two are ill.”

“Good thing I’ll have my doctor on hand.”

Steph and Anne laughed as they went to outfit themselves appropriately for the weather. Mariana rolled her eyes and returned to her reading.

Some time later, Steph and Anne walked leisurely along the edge of the large pond that cut through the estate. It was an idyllic winter scene as the snow continued to fall and accumulate. Anne even noticed a sleeping fox taking refuge under a dug out tree stump by the water’s edge.

“I must admit, Anne, I was surprised when I learned Mariana had invited you for Christmas.”

“Were you? Or that I accepted?”

Steph smiled at her knowingness. 

“I can’t imagine Miss Walker was terribly keen on the idea.”

“No, she wasn’t.”

They both allowed a pause as they continued walking. Steph understood the nature of her relationship with Mariana, and by extension she assumed that he understood her connection to Ann as well. He supported their companionship unconditionally, but for both her sake and the sake of Steph’s medical reputation, no discussion of why the women were living together ever went beyond implication and inference. She wondered if that was about to change.

“You know why I had to come here,” Anne broached. 

“I suppose I do. You and my sister have quite a storied past together.”

“I need to make her understand, and respect, my new circumstances.”

“And I take it that isn’t going very smoothly as of now, is it?”

Anne looked at him and raised her eyebrows. He smiled understandingly.

“But what about you, Anne?”

“What do you mean?”

“I hope you take no offense at my asking but, is everything all right? At home? With Miss Walker?”

“She’s had a bout of her nerves these last few days what with me traveling.”

“Does she know of your history with Mariana?”

“...Such as I’ve told her.”

Steph nodded, taking in the information. Anne studied his furrowed expression.

“What? I can feel you diagnosing the situation, have it out,” Anne asked, not quite teasingly.

“I suppose I’m just trying to infer the nature of her fears. It’s no small thing to tell your companion you’ll be spending Christmas with the woman whose company you have kept most often and most recently for the last 20 years.”

“So now you’re to call my loyalty into question as well?” Anne balked, offended and nearly ready to turn back.

“Not at all, Anne. But try to put yourself in her position. Do you feel, truly, that her fear is irrational?”

This stopped Anne. She was speaking with the one person who understood the intricacies of Ann’s mental state as well as, if not better, than she did. If he was asking this question, it meant he knew the answer.

“I should think you above all others know the care I take for her, and happily so. Does that not demonstrate my commitment well enough?” Anne rebuked.

“I’m sorry, Anne. I don’t mean to make you defensive. Yes, of course. I meant it then and mean it still, you are the best thing to happen to her. But…perhaps you haven’t quite given her the opportunity to be the same for you.”

Anne looked at him, mystified. 

“I hope I don’t speak out of turn,” he added. Anne shook her head instinctively, trying to absorb the statement but was clearly struggling. Steph obliged.

“What is clear to me is that while Miss Walker’s backbone and strength is rooted deep within her, it is your influence, your companionship, that allows her to stand in it with real courage.”

Anne felt validated by the words. She smiled at Steph, proud of herself, of Ann. Steph took the opportunity to continue into somewhat more delicate territory.

“What is equally clear is all that she gives _you_ in the way of gentleness. I’ve known you for enough of my life. You operate in the world by a standard few of us can live up to. It’s no insult. And simply the fact that Miss Walker is undeterred by your nature is evidence enough that she is well-suited to be your companion. But what’s more is…she tempers you, Anne. And what I’m suggesting is simply that you let her. Let her in entirely. What have you got to lose? To be quite frank, were I in Miss Walker’s position, I would have my doubts about your being here too. Don’t test her, Anne. She’s already proven her mettle.”

“I’m not testing her. This has nothing to do with her.”

“Perhaps not on its face. But the fact is you’re here, swimming in your past, when your future is miles away, wondering what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. To the detriment of hard-earned trust. What is it worth?”

Anne was quiet for a long while as they continued walking.

“There was a time when you were our biggest champion, me and Mary.”

“I was younger then. So were you.”

Anne let out a soft laugh. Steph stopped in his tracks to make his final points.

“Anne. Please don’t misunderstand me. You’re here for the right reasons to do an important thing. All I am saying is…you and Mary have always struggled to find common ground. And that struggle has only worsened in recent years. She may never accept you and Miss Walker. Do not waste your energy fighting that battle. Salvage what you can with her, but go home. Ann needs you. All of you. And you need her.”

The words settled deep within Anne as two slow tears found their way to the corners of her eyes. Whether it was the cold or the depth of Steph's words inspiring them, she didn't know. Without a word, she pulled Steph in for a tight embrace. It was the reminder she needed, the voice of reason she had unwittingly been waiting to hear. He was right on every score. She was here because it felt like the right thing. But how could it be if it meant jeopardizing Ann’s faith in her? She had learned that nothing and no one was worth that.

—————

Back at Shibden Hall, the gray afternoon was preparing to turn into evening as the hour struck a wintery five o’clock. 

Ann Walker sat in the drawing room sketching. It was a simple portrait of Anne, not unlike the one she had undertaken only to burn in Scotland. The fire crackled in its place. Ann pulled her shawl warmer around her shoulders. Jeremy slept in a chair opposite her.

Her mind was elsewhere, not quite as desperate as she had been the night before Anne’s departure, but rather bored, grasping at listless thoughts, trying to maintain equilibrium. She resolved to close her sketchbook and make for the stairs. 

In a moment, a dozing Aunt Anne heard a faint knock at her bedroom door, which was already open. Ann peaked inside to find Marian sitting with her, discussing the state of her health. Aunt Anne seemed quite well, all things considered, but Marian was in the midst of insisting she call Dr. Kenny the next day. 

They both looked up in surprise at the sight of Ann.

“Miss Walker! Is everything all right?” Marian asked.

“Oh yes, just looking for a bit of company.”

“Well come sit, dear, Marian was just leaving to write to Dr. Kenny,” Aunt Anne was now suddenly eager to trade Marian for Ann, even if it did mean incurring a visit from the odious doctor. 

Marian opened her mouth to object, but chose not to. Instead she made her displeasure known by rather passive aggressively sweeping out of the room. Ann, unbothered by the display, came and sat down at the foot of Aunt Anne’s bed. 

“How are you feeling?” Ann asked.

“Oh, I’m fine. Marian works herself into such a state.” 

Ann smiled. The two were at ease.

“And how are you, dear?”

Aunt Anne understood instantly that this was the right question to ask simply because of the immediate swell of emotion it inspired in the young woman.

“I hardly know.”

“She’ll be back before we know it,” Aunt Anne reassured. 

A silence settled as Ann attempted to find her way into what was no doubt a delicate conversation topic. There was no illusion to anyone in the house what the circumstances were of Ann’s relationship with Anne, but they kept their married life private. Nevertheless, Ann knew what a confidant Anne had entrusted her aunt to be, and Ann wondered if the same trust might be afforded to her now. There was only one way to find out.

“You know Mrs. Lawton?” she asked timidly.

“I do. She’s been a part of Anne’s life for many years.”

“Yes. She has.”

Aunt Anne could see what was on Ann’s mind, but she didn’t dare force her hand.

“I keep wondering if there’s something I could have done. Should have done. To keep her from going.”

“Oh, my dear. I assure you there isn’t. You know my niece. Once her mind is set there’s no changing it.” 

Ann was not exactly encouraged by the words.

“Which is why you’ve nothing to fear. Do you understand?” Aunt Anne looked to Ann, searching for a sign that she registered her meaning. 

“She made her decision,” she continued, “And so did you. And now here we are together under one roof. Say what you will of her, she may be foolish at times, but disloyal she is certainly not.”

Ann was cheered by the words.

“She’ll be back tomorrow,” Ann said, as if voicing the words out loud would manifest them into reality. 

“She will,” Aunt Anne concurred. She offered a reassuring smile. Ann accepted it.

—————

Anne and Steph returned from their walk. Anne, invigorated and eager for the trip to be over now that she had gained such clarity from Steph, made straight for her room to begin packing. There, she found Eugenie dozing. The girl sat alert when her mistress burst into the room.

“I want everything packed to set off first thing in the morning. We’ll leave at dawn, so best to get everything ready now.”

“But, Miss Lister, the snow…” Eugenie broached.

“The roads will be cleared by morning.”

Eugenie nodded and began setting about gathering Anne’s things. Suddenly, Anne looked up to see Mariana standing in the doorway.

“Surely you’re not leaving already?” she asked, surprised at the scene.

“Getting everything sorted and packed. I want to be on the road by the first shred of light.”

“What’s happened? Why are you in such a hurry?”

Anne went to speak but stopped herself. She turned to her maid.

“Eugenie, leave us please.”

Eugenie nodded and made her exit. Mariana entered the room, closing the door behind them.

“Listen, I’m sorry about last night and this morning, but there’s no need to escape at dawn like a thief.”

“I came here in good faith. In the hopes that 20 years would still mean something to you even if we could no longer carry on as we have.”

“They do. Of course they do. It’s just…it’s a difficult change. I’m sorry if it’s not so easy for me to be suddenly content sharing tea with you and then sending you home to your little Miss Walker,” her voice sneered on the last words.

“Don’t call her that.”

“Oh come on, Freddie…”

“Don’t call _me that_ ,” Anne interjected. Mariana flinched at her tone.

“So we’re to be strangers now, is that it?” Mariana asked, stunned, indignant.

“That’s your decision at this point. I’ve offered friendship. It doesn’t seem to satisfy you. I won’t waste my time trying to negotiate.”

“What is it about this girl? Truly? It can’t just be her money, her beauty, which mind you I’ve yet to validate for myself. You said yourself it wasn’t one of your great passions.”

“We’re happy. We make one another happy.” Anne had never put it quite so simply. It surprised them both to hear it declared with such obviousness, such plain truth.

“She makes you happy? The most difficult woman to please I’ve ever met is somehow made happy by a what, 30? year-old invalid.”

“DON’T call her that.” Anne was ready to square off, once and for all. She wouldn’t let Mariana speak of Ann this way, even if she understood the place of betrayal and resistance to change that inspired it.

Anne steadied herself, ready to make her thoughts as plain as she ever could to Mariana.

“Do you know, she saw me first when she was 14. It would have been 2 years after you and Charles took up together. Not a bright patch in my life. And she saw me one morning coming home ragged from a night out, trousers, linen shirt, waistcoat. You remember how you found me in those days? A freak. When I would walk across all of Yorkshire just to see your carriage coming over the hill. And I remember I climbed in one day, sweaty and dirt-covered from the walk but I was just…too excited to see you. And I was met only with your humiliation and derision. That’s when I knew, much as I loved you, you would never truly see me for who I was. But Ann…she saw me then, and she thought I was magnificent. And for all her doubts and fits and fears, that is how she has always seen me, and sees me still.”

Mariana, unwilling to process what Anne had just said, balked. 

“She is young and she idolizes you,” she dismissed. 

“She is my wife and she loves me.”

A silence fell over them both as they confronted the size of the words.

"I'm tired of being told how odd I am. I spent too long believing I was only ever worthy of love in spite of my singularity, my novelty. You made me believe that. Always so mortified by me. Ann understands my nature. She sees me for all my ways, all the ways that make you so terribly embarrassed to be in public with me...and she loves me _because_ of them. Being with her…I will never know shame again. And all I can do, all I want to do for the rest of my life, is try and make her feel the same. You told me once, that you doubted there existed a woman who would defy convention and make a conspicuous commitment to me. Not in this lifetime. Well, I have found such a one. And if you can’t accept that, and be happy for me, that’s your decision. But I will not waste one more moment of what is left of this lifetime on justifying my love for her to you.”

“Love?” Mariana could not remember the last time she had heard Anne utter the word, not since the time of their commitment. Anne herself seemed caught off guard by it. It seemed to have unlocked something inside of her, something she had not realized had been hidden until this moment. She had named the feeling aloud to the person who had made her believe she would never feel it again. It was as if a curse had been broken, or a magic word had been spoken to break hypnosis.

It all came suddenly clear. Anne felt as if she had just woken from a walking sleep to discover herself here, in this strange place, in this place that was not her home, with this woman who was not her wife. The reality now seemed bizarre, unacceptable. 

“I need to go.”

“Yes, I understand. First thing,” Mariana answered, fatigued, hurt, and wanting it all to be over.

“No. I need to go now.”

“Anne, don’t be ridiculous. It’s growing dark and the snow is getting thicker.”

“I don’t care. We’ve brought strong horses for the journey. I need to get back to Shibden.” She began shuffling around the room, tossing clothing into her trunk. She called for Eugenie who hurried into the room.

“Eugenie finish packing, quick. I’ll fetch Thomas. We’re leaving right away," she instructed in French.

“What?” she asked, eyes wide and blinking.

“Is there something about this room that makes those words incomprehensible?" She switched back to French, "We are leaving for Halifax right now." Back to English, "If we get ahead of the snow we’ll be there before midnight.”

Eugenie knew better than to question Anne in states like this. Whether it was the sudden change of course to the lake district, or the bizarre haste in running to Paris instead of Scotland, Eugenie had accepted that Miss Lister would travel to Timbuktu in a night if her feelings for Ann Walker compelled her to do so.

Anne rushed out of the room, leaving Mariana alone on the bed with nothing to do but contemplate all that had just been said. Anne had stated her peace. There was finally nothing left to discuss. 

As Anne rocketed down the stairs in search of Thomas, she passed Steph in the drawing room.

“Anne, everything all right?” he asked, noticing her haste.

“Yes. It is. Everything is perfectly all right. I’m going home,” she declared. Steph smiled in approval but then glanced out the window.

“You mean now? In this?”

Anne simply huffed at yet another rebuke of her plan and marched onward, calling for Thomas. There was no stopping her now. She would walk home if she had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay tuned for the thrilling (probably gonna be mostly sex, tbh!) conclusion!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne returns to Shibden and the wives reunite.

Lit by moonlight and a lantern in Thomas’s cold, clutching right hand, Anne and her servants made as quick progress as they could along the road from Cheshire back to Halifax. The snow was not so thick to stop them, but Anne struggled to temper her eagerness to get back with her care for her groom’s livelihood. 

They were near enough now, and had been traveling the better part of five hours. Eugenie slept across from Anne in the carriage, but Anne sat alert, ruminating on all that had passed the last two days. 

She felt uncertain over whether she had any regrets seeing Mariana. She certainly had none for anything she had said. Her only sadness perhaps came from the fact that she had needed such a trip to bring her this clarity. That she had put Ann’s faith in her at risk simply to prove something to herself. But then she thought, the truths she had spoken had always existed within her, but only when standing them up against the stark reminders of who Mariana was, and who she would never be, could they be so clearly defined. That definition was now sending her home, where she would gratefully fall into the arms of the woman who truly loved her.

In the distance, Anne finally saw the glinting lights of Halifax. It wouldn’t be long now.

—————

The moon shone bright over the white grounds of Shibden. The snowfall had ceased about an hour ago, but Ann Walker lay awake, staring at the ceiling. She had meant it when she told Anne she struggled to sleep without her. These last two nights had barely seen three hours of restful sleep apiece. 

She tried to force herself now, reminding her anxieties that tomorrow night, Christmas Eve, Anne would be back in this bed beside her, holding her as she ought to. But her mind was still fixed on the absence, on the longing, the fear of whose arms Anne might be in right now. She had resolved she would not ask, her worst fears not wanting to be confirmed. As long as Anne kept her promise to return to her, she would accept not knowing.

Her meandering thoughts were interrupted suddenly, however, at the sound of horses outside. Ann sat up, curious, perhaps a bit frightened. It was nearly midnight, after all.

She poked her head out of the bedroom and into the hall to see if the noise had roused anyone else. As far as she knew the entire house was still sleeping. As she listened, she heard the back door unlatch. Her immediate instinct was fear, followed by dread of what it would mean to die here, now, without Anne anywhere by. 

This train of thought was halted quickly when she heard the clear, stern familiar voice that she loved so deeply.

“Bring the trunks inside and the horses around back and that’ll be all, Thomas. Job well done tonight. Eugenie, better be off to bed for you. Don’t disturb any more of the snow with your sick.”

Ann watched from the landing as a gray Eugenie trudged into the house and toward the servants’ quarters. In a moment, she heard the thud of Thomas depositing the trunks inside and Anne stomping her boots dry of snow.

Ann could restrain herself no longer. In her night shift, barefoot, her hair in a single braid, she hurried down the stairs, glided almost. 

She came to the hallway where at one end, a distracted Anne stood dusting her great coat and hat of snow. 

“Anne,” Ann stated. She felt nearly as she had that afternoon on the hilltop. Here they were, facing each other, Anne’s hair wild in a ribbon just as it had been then, their love unspoken but vibrating all around them. Anne looked up to see her. She sighed with the relief that only comes from returning home. 

Without a word, in two strides, Anne came to Ann and captured her in a long kiss, full of every promise she had ever made. When they parted, Ann’s eyes glimmered with tears. Anne brought an ungloved hand to her cheek to brush them away. 

However, their reunion was halted by the sudden realization that Marian stood in the drawing room beside them, rather impatiently waiting for the moment to be over. 

“Marian, what…” Anne began, stammering to recover from the fact that her sister had just witnessed such bald affection between her and Ann. 

“What, am I meant to be shocked?” she deadpanned. Ann Walker only laughed a little. Anne fumed. 

“You can’t stalk through the house like some kind of…a ghoul…I nearly jumped out of my skin.”

“You’re the one who’s bursting in in the middle of the night. Is everything all right?”

“Yes. I couldn’t…I needed to return.” Anne flashed a look to Ann.

“Well…whatever,” Marian was too tired to bother with getting any more information. “Just, before you turn in perhaps go up to see Aunt Anne. She thinks we’re under siege.” 

Marian marched off back to bed. Anne and Ann were left alone again. Anne took Ann’s hands in hers, wanting nothing more than to pick her up and carry her back to their bed, but Marian’s suggestion stuck a thorn in that plan. 

“Go see your Aunt,” Ann advised with a quiet smile, knowing what her wife was thinking. “I’ll be waiting.”

Anne knew the look in Ann’s eye all too well. She was sure it matched the look in hers. The idea of spending one more moment apart felt unbearable. Anne leaned in and gave her another kiss, which Ann returned with no room for misunderstanding where her intentions lay for the rest of the night. 

“I won’t be five minutes,” Anne promised. Ann gave her a coy smile and slinked off toward their bedroom. Anne bounded for the stairs.

She made herself quiet as she padded into Aunt Anne’s room, only to find the woman sitting up with a candle lit beside her. 

“Good heavens, Anne, I thought they had come to rob us in the night!”

Anne laughed a little and came to sit at the foot of the bed. 

“I’m so sorry I frightened you, Aunt. It was a matter of urgency.”

“Why? Has something happened? Is Ann all right?”

“She is. In fact…let’s just say this trip was perhaps not one of my finer ideas. But hey-ho, here I am. Where I ought to be.”

Aunt Anne smiled knowingly. 

“She’s a remarkable young woman, your Ann. Made of far stronger stuff than Mariana Lawton.” 

“You see? And where was this advice three days ago?”

“Shame on you for needing it.” Her tone was teasing but her words were sincere.

Anne’s smile dissipated at this. “…Sometimes things get taken for granted. Happiness can breed complacency. But I won’t make that mistake again.”

“Good. I’m glad you’re all right. Now that you’ve done turning the whole house over, I should like to get back to sleep.”

“Of course.”

She leaned over and gave her Aunt a kiss on her forehead before standing and making for the door, blowing out the candle as Aunt Anne settled back into bed. 

—————

Anne made her way back through the sleeping house, removing her great coat as she went. At last she arrived at the closed bedroom door. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, ready to be delivered back into the arms of her wife.

Ann sat at the edge of the bed looking out the window as she heard the door open and shut. Anne stood still but for tossing her coat onto a chair. 

In the near darkness, lit by a single candle at Ann’s bedside, they moved to each other, coming together at the foot of the bed. The kiss was passionate, and Ann made quick work at beginning to unbutton Anne’s waistcoat. But Anne stopped her, briefly.

“Wait,” she whispered. Ann did, looking up at her with slight worry. Anne kissed it away but kept a hand at her cheek. “I’m sorry. I will never make you doubt again. I promise. You are my wife. And I love you.”

Ann’s breath quickened at the word as tears began to form. Words would hardly be needed from this point forward. Ann kissed her with all the love she had been holding for her since she was a teenager.

Soon, Ann was back at the buttons and removing Anne’s waistcoat. Anne untucked her shirt from her skirt. It was always a somewhat arduous process, but the delayed access had its benefits. Anne had only recently allowed herself to be entirely nude with Ann. She believed that until they were committed to one another, and living together, the risk of discovery, and of experiencing such vulnerability, was too great for her. But all that had been washing away in the months since their wedding, and tonight they knew any barriers between them were broken forever.

Finally, they had dressed Anne down to her drawers and corset. This had become a delicate scene in their lovemaking, as it was one of the only moments in which Anne gave up control to her wife, and Ann enjoyed making the most of the opportunity. 

Anne sat on the bed as Ann moved behind her and slowly, one knot at a time, began loosening and unlacing her. As bare skin became revealed, Ann touched her lips to Anne’s shoulder, tracing the ghost of a kiss across, placing a soft punctuation at the nape of her neck. 

Now, Ann grew bold, as she finished her work and the garment came loose like a breastplate of armor, removing also the thin piece of fabric beneath it over Anne’s hand as she lifted her arms to allow it. Ann then slid her hands around and across Anne’s bare stomach, gliding her thin fingers across the skin. Anne shuddered at the touch. Ann leaned forward and nipped gently at her ear. 

“Is that all right?” she whispered. Anne only gave a single nod, her eyes closed. Anne had never given herself to Ann, not entirely. They both had the dynamics they preferred. But tonight marked a new treatise in their marriage, one of openness, in which Anne was ready to dismantle every guard she had ever had, leftover from her life of living one broken heart to the next. That time was over. Ann was forever now.

And Ann, for her part, had spent two days living in fear of a lost competition to a woman with whom she felt she could never compete. And here she stood, the victor. It was her that Anne had rushed home to in the middle of the night, unable to stay away, knowing where heart truly lived. Tonight, Ann knew once and for all that Anne was _hers_. And she was eager to bask in that victory in a way she hadn’t before.

Still behind her, Ann continued kissing at Anne’s neck and ears and shoulders, moving her long brown hair aside to kiss down the top of her spine. Her hands continued tracing across Anne's abdomen, her left hand finally finding its way to Anne's bare right breast. Anne’s breath hitched and she placed a hand over Ann’s.

She turned to face her young wife. Ann was disarmed by the eyes that found hers. Not the knowing, piercing gaze of her more experienced lover, but rather a furtive question in glistening eyes, brows raised slightly. She looked almost frightened but it wasn’t quite that. It was simply absolute vulnerability. Ann offered a smile that radiated pure gentleness. She placed a warm, loving hand to Anne’s cheek.

“Will you let me touch you?” she asked, soft and full of care. “Will you try?” Anne’s eyes scanned Ann’s face, her lips, her soft stare. There was nothing but trust. She gave a timid, single nod. Ann gave her a reassuring kiss that quickly gave way.

Ann led the kiss, guiding Anne onto her back. It was not unlike the first time they had made love, all haphazard joy, fretting through layers of fabric after the brief interruption of Mrs. Priestley’s intrusion. But this was different. This was precise, slow, something to be savored and tended to.

Ann had learned from her wife and placed a pillow beneath Anne’s head. It drew a small, loving laugh from her as Ann leaned down to kiss her. Soon, Ann’s tenderness transformed into the passion it wanted to be. Still methodical, never rushed, Ann kissed her way down from her wife’s neck, the space between her breasts, down to her navel. A slow trail, mapping her territory. 

She soon returned to Anne’s left breast and kissed it. She looked up, asking for permission. Anne, her breath now shallow and quick, nodded yes. Ann smiled, closed her eyes, and took the nipple in her mouth. She adored when Anne did this to her, and it was something she fantasized of reciprocating for some time now. It gave her as much pleasure as she had known it would, as it did Anne judging by the soft, low moans coming from above. 

Ann lingered for another few moments, finding the correct balance of tongue and teeth to create exactly the right arousal, before moving to the right breast. She repeated her motions here, massaging the other with her free hand, and occasionally looking up to see Anne’s head arched all the way back in ecstasy. She smiled against her chest as her tongue performed its work.

She wanted more, but knew there would be boundaries ahead, boundaries she was ready to heed, no matter how open Anne was being tonight. Ann sat up and moved to concentrate on the last items of clothing that separated them. First, she removed her own night shift. 

Anne sighed, smiled, ran her hands up and over Ann’s body bathed in the blue half-light of the moon outside and the golden glow of the candle.

Ann placed her hands at the edge of Anne’s drawers. Anne did not resist as her wife leaned down to kiss her stomach as she pulled the pants down and finally off. Ann came to lay on top of her, their bodies now shed of any barrier, skin to skin. For a moment they simply held each other, kissing idly, running hands through hair. It was an act of reconnection. Despite their private understanding, there was still so little opportunity for affection in their day-to-day public lives. And so these moments, in the dead of night, together as bodies and souls that loved each other, would never be taken for granted. 

Ann began moving her hand down Anne’s body. As she did, she looked into the older woman’s eyes. 

“Are you all right?” she asked before continuing. 

Anne nodded. “But…not inside.” 

Ann understood. There were lines Anne was unwilling to cross, even with her. 

Ann’s right hand made its way past Anne’s navel. If she was nervous, it didn’t show anywhere on her face. She found her way to Anne’s center, and soon parted flesh to find what she was after. The moment she touched upon it, like a wet and delicate pearl, Anne gasped, already shuddering though not in climax. Ann smiled against Anne’s sudden kiss.

She was in no rush, moving her fingers back and forth in circles, applying pressure and then suddenly not. It was having the desired affect. To see Anne, the epitome of control, lose herself to sensation, to her. 

“I love you,” she said as she moved.

“I love you,” Anne repeated.

Soon enough, she felt Anne’s body clenching beneath her. In a moment, Anne gripped at her back, pulling her in for a crushing kiss as the tremors pulsed from the tip of her spine to her toe. 

As she came down, Ann kept her hand where it was, so as to keep a certain amount of pressure where it was wanting as the body recalibrated. As she finished, Ann collapsed on top of Anne, who held her tight. They lay like that for a moment, Anne with a contented smile, kissing lazily at Ann’s cheeks and lips. 

Both women quickly found their energy again as Anne began running her hands over Ann’s naked body on top of her. Ann, who was haphazardly straddling Anne’s leg, began to writhe against it, indicating her want. 

Anne obliged and reached a hand between them. She gasped a smile as she felt the pulsing wetness of her wife who blushed and laughed in spite of herself. Now feeling mischievous and playful, in one fluid motion, Anne pulled them both into a sitting position, Ann straddling her lap. 

Anne’s mouth found its way to her wife’s breasts. Her method was not so thoughtful or reverent as Ann’s had been. This was a matter of joyous hunger. As Anne’s mouth traveled of its own volition, met with happy gasps and moans from Ann, her hand went back to its desired task. 

Moving back between them, she massaged her wife’s pleasure points, hoping, it seemed, to make her arousal and wetness truly unbearable. Ann bucked her hips forward to try and bring Anne’s fingers inside her, but Anne resisted, smiling proudly as Ann leaned down for a kiss, groaning in annoyance for her unmet need. She made her feelings known as she bit hard on Anne’s lower lip.

Reading the message, Anne plunged her index and middle finger deep within her. Ann let out a moan more visceral and involuntary than Anne had heard from her in some time. But Ann was undeterred, her eyes lost in ecstasy as she led Anne in the dance, defining the rhythm she needed. Soon it became clear what else she needed, and Anne placed a third finger inside of her, this time curling the middle against Ann’s front wall. Her sighs and moans were not to be stopped now, nor their volume to be bothered with. Anne was too mesmerized and in awe to think.

She pulled Ann in for a kiss as she changed their position, bringing Ann onto her back so that she might be above her. Anne straddled Ann’s leg and moved against it, unable to deny herself the pleasure she was feeling at watching Ann let go. She returned the three fingers to their place, her thumb working above, her free hand massaging at Ann’s breast or finding its way into her mouth. 

Before long, Anne felt Ann tighten around her. She brought herself close, and Ann held onto her such that she thought the skin on her back might break. Ann let out the first note of her climactic wail before it was swallowed by a kiss. She reached down to push Anne’s hand in deeper, holding it there as the feelings took her. The shockwaves seemed to last, Ann’s body bucking and spasming for many seconds until finally, she released her grip on Anne, within and without. 

Anne stayed inside of her a moment more as they both came down from the staggering height. For a moment, Anne almost thought Ann asleep as she watched the eyes behind closed lids flit back and forth. Finally they opened, and it was as if Anne had never properly seen them before. Perfect blue, crafted out of goodness itself it seemed. 

“I love you,” Anne said again. Ann smiled wide and bit her bottom lip. She pushed her chin up to call Anne down for a kiss, which she happily gave. 

Finally, Anne adjusted her position and came to curl herself against Ann, in the space between her arm and her body. Ann smiled at the change of order, and pulled Anne in close. She ran her fingers through her dark hair, kissing the top of her head. Whatever happened, and she knew now, deep down, nothing had, Anne was asking to be held. Anne was letting herself be held. 

Ann took stock of the moment, of her life and marriage, and felt nothing but pride, safety. She was the woman who married Anne Lister, the woman who lived with Anne Lister, who sparred with her, angered her, cared for her, and tempered her. But more than all of that, she was the woman who held Anne Lister. And she knew she was the first and would be the last. There was no need to doubt ever again.

She kissed the top of Anne’s head. Anne murmured in her encroaching sleep. 

“I think it might be Christmas Eve,” Ann whispered.

"If you'd let me check my watch," Anne mumbled against her chest. 

Both women laughed a little, Anne's creating a pleasant vibration against Ann's chest. Anne burrowed closer, bringing her right arm around to hold onto Ann. She pulled her tighter and they both closed their eyes. The women fell asleep, content and full of love, closer than souls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this story and giving your amazing feedback and such kind words! I've really enjoyed writing this. I think my next fic is going to be a Modern AU, so keep your eyes peeled for that. I'm sure I've got plenty more stories to come about our Ann(e)s to tide us over until season 2.


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